[Reposting because it looks like my first comment was eaten.]. 2. They dont ask if you want to do the thing and then you are able to tell them (and if you were busy, youd probably mention that when declining). a coworker you dont hang out with outside of work asking this question on a Friday) and as a pre-request/invitation. Also works for the similar How ARE you? @Grant Us Eyes mentioned. I had a two-day conversation with my cat about vacuums versus lint rollers. I get the friendly sentiment, but its not always welcome and people would do well to use more discretion. If someone asks me the question, I am happy, because that means they are probably inviting me somewhere. Also my spouse and I have given each other full permission to use the other one as an excuse whenever needed. I use this regularly, as does most of my social group. Thats not an uncommon experience. ), OMG YES can this question please die FOREVER? A lot of the people old enough to have adult children at this point still put phone communication on some kind of pinnacle in their minds, because thats what they grew up with. Helen Huntington already explained it very well. It doesnt sound like a lot of fun to me, though. If I have no specific plans, she thinks my time is hers (but you said you were doing nothing! and she likes to be like cousin in example 3, re her children doing lots of stuff for her because thats what good kids are supposed to do (and if were not performing like good kids, then shes a bad mother ~guilt guilt~) and she doesnt like to ask directly* so it often comes across as manipulative or passive-aggressive). For example, while my wife and I are paying with a credit card after having Saturday morning breakfast, and while the receipt is printing out, the cashier will say, So, you guys got any good plans for the weekend?. But most of all, thats my time with my kids, and Ive realized that Im missing it. Julia has been . There are some funny responses to "what are you going to do with your life" for when your family keeps asking you the same dull questions. And partly because, depending on exactly what one wants and what cost one is willing to pay, challenging the culture is how it gets changed. "It's going well.". Yeah, I get that it is a soft invitation, but it also feels that the hard invitation has been tossed into my lap. Accompany your morning treating with a Halloween wish. Itd be a big help, but if not I could find someone else. Which is a lot of caveats! And they come up organicallyI dont invent them just to make her jump through hoops. Its been pretty good policy.) If anyone else runs into this, Im not free on Saturday, so Ill see you some other time! is a perfectly polite and respectful response. The kids DO like my origami and I was able to get in some geometry pointers with that. no one tries to rope me into something). "I'm not saying I hate you, what I'm saying is that you are literally. !" 8. And it absolutely has a cost, even for him. @freyasacksen I have a friend who will almost always respond with, Still alive. Always true. If someone just says yeah that tells me theyre not actually that interested. 1. People of just about any accent can turn up just about anywhere and be from there. Maybe you have a mountain of laundry and it takes the whole weekend, or you are just doing the laundry inbetween other activities. So, it's important to read the situation and know how well the person asking you out will respond to a little joke. Baking a cake. I might not feel quite as entitled to her time, but Id probably still think there were some things I could ask of her that shed be wrong to refuse. Soft invites in my friend circle are more just a mutually understood shorthand for I value your friendship so Im going to express a genuine desire to hang out even were both depressed and introverted and therefore the likelihood of this actually happening is pretty low.. OMG yes! It sort of came to a head last week when I was on the toilet, and the kid came to the door, and my kid answered the door, and the conversation was like When I was a teen or an adult who looked like a teen, I was very fond of, Ill have to ask my mother. I had as little to do with my mother as possible at the time, but I noticed this response was great at making creepy guys shrivel up and slink off. I dont give any indication as to what I am up to until they tell me what they are up to. Sounds like hes a robot instructed to find out a fun thing the customer is doing later. friend/person/both: Im in the worst fucking mood and heres why. Id also add that when youve lived in a place for years and are planning to stay, like I am in my husbands home country, it gets very tiring to have everyone assume youre just visiting or that youre an international student and will be gone soon. Here's the most obvious answer that no one can argue with. Thats the kind of bullshit that is so often behind the oh Im so nice to your differentness behavior belief that you shouldnt be what you are, and that you probably did something not right to get there. Not much fun, but also not optional right now. (Aunt doesnt need to know whether your laundry has reached the point of not going to have clean clothes to wear or not.). Indeed. Him: You must be doing something. I guess its a cultural thing, I come from a non-English speaking country in Europe and here, I feel, admitting that you dont have Plans-Plans, and then declining an invitation, would be seen as pretty rude. It doesnt matter if those plans are eating candy while watching Netflix with no pants on, they technically are plans. I honestly dont even know why people say it at all when Ive never seen a follow-up to it. During [business_hours] that's usually within a couple of hours. This business of judging what another adult does with their leisure hours (with the obvious caveat that they harm no one) is bad enough, but insisting on the right to interrupt that time to set another adult extra chores is unreasonable in most circumstances, and not good for anybody. But if someone says what are you doing tomorrow night and I say painting my toenails in front of Netflix, that leaves me without a graceful out. Spares you from having to say Great and feel like youre lying (which can be uncomfortable even when you *are* aware youre participating in a defined social ritual), but also averts the worry that if you say things are bad, the asker will pry for more details. ), You can also be very vague, but leave the door open for follow-up if you want to share. I usually respond Why do you need to know? unless its someone I really trust. It doesnt actually mean how are you? in the same way that goodbye does not actually mean God be with you. What it means is, I acknowledge you, fellow human being. In some ways, its helpful to think of it not as a phrase but as a pair of words: how-are-you, fine-thanks-and-you. Its a little more inconvenient to go to a different branch, but I do that sometimes, or mobile banking or attempt to time it so that I end up with another teller. Other commenters have given great scripts. ), This is one of those times where having a live-in or serious SO/partner/spouse is super convenient. In that case, if they have already said theyre free, they might feel trapped into saying yes; I know I would. But that was fun and consensual for both parties. 1. LW has a LOT of reason to be bugged by this approach to seeking a date it carries a hefty implied threat because of what abusive men in our society have built it into en masse. I always do this, too, especially if I get the vibe they want something from me other than just hanging (like baby/pet-sitting). The pushback on needing brain time though makes sense. you said you had no plans! you into babysitting or helping them with yardwork, they just want to ask you a fun, low-stakes question. Id be open to a one-on-one hangout but just out of energy for any group thing, if thats why youre asking laundryall the laundry. My parents and my in-laws have requests that my husband and I dont feel we can refuse. Jackpot! You can begin with, "I hope this email finds you well," which has the same meaning as "Hope you are doing well". 3. Most people would rather talk about themselves than anyone else, so turning the question back to them will almost always divert them from further questions about what Im doing. Especially since shes not working during the dayshe only HAS leisure time.). Another is that people your daughters age and under have grown up under a level of surveillance never before seen in the entire history of the human species. Id like to do a bit better with my own kids. What you are currently doing. Yup, there is a trust relationship to be established, because as detailed above, this question is frequently used with a threat of violence attached. Some people here do not really do much small talk, so even asking How are you? might lead to a long description of ones health. Nobody ever catches the other out (you said you were fine!) because the dance must be done. Riding an elephant. Can you repeat what you just said? A professor I studied under said she, without thinking about it, had an automatic habit of spotting people likely to do that oh Im so nice to your differentness type of racism and trying to run interference to keep them from saying that crap around her grad students. I think LW is unable to separate people doing something that they personally find annoying, and people intentionally trying to annoy them. Funny Mom Quotes (and Sayings) Why do you ask, why, is something happening, and why, whats up are different answers that extend the convo while not telling porkies. Basically the thing you wrote about duties like babysitting, expanded to fun events. It's to funny for everybody. It takes a bit of confidence to state clearly and categorically what you want and then ask someone else to join in that thing, and not everyone has that degree of confidence. ), (4) I just found a salamander, can I put it in your mouth?. I actually have an answer for this one. No one asks or cares, but its as vague as the original request and helps facilitate the DELAY! tactic the Captain talks about. On the other hand, being around them makes my shoulders go up around my ears. Him: Doing anything else? Once upon a time I had a friend. I dont remember why anymore but at some point I agreed to share my google calendar with this friend. I think the idea at first was to make it easier to plan hangouts. Person B: Oh, fine, thanks. Luckily my husband is a Mega Introvert as well (sometimes more than me) and understands my feelings. The second interpretation of this question is, what are you doing in life? You can answer a pleasant: Nothing much! or Youre looking at it, breakfast was great! or I hope you get some free time later today, the weather is lovely! without worrying about it at all. Oh man.I think this sort of thing bugs me because my dad very carefully taught me to ask/invite people for a specific activity/time precisely to avoid this scenario. Ugh. And then deflect back on to them. Its 2018. Weekend is like God's blessing! But its also true I can (usually) reorganize my schedule enough to accommodate plans I want to attend. Life is filled with lots of required thing that some folks loathe and others either like or dont care either way. To pretend that it wont have a cost societally. I also trained myself to say, Oh just marathoning *show I like* or I picked up a new book and cant wait to dive in! which they translate to doing a thing. (I suppose they thought that before I responded that way. Im well aware of that risk. Auto-reply email sample: Hi [first_name], Thanks so much for reaching out! Then, actually do check your calendar, check in with yourself if you actually want to do whatever it is, and answer the person when its convenient for you. How it came to need an actual (although formulaic) response, Im not sure. Most of them, anyway. Since "doing" is an action verb, we need to use the adverb "well" to describe that action. DP: No free time at ALL? Ok. ( This simple expression embodies the fact that you don't give a f*ck!) Cause you dont have to find out if Im busy BEFORE inviting me to something or asking me for a favor. TootsNYC, why do you feel entitled to some of her time because shes a member of your family? Why does it need taking care of?? To contact our editors please use our contact form. Instead of saying: "I had a cheeky wine in the garden" Say: "I partook in an al fresco wine tasting. They have the right to call on us and expect us to come through. This realization makes me like Tuesdays more.) I absolutely support you insisting on it and tossing her out on her ear if she doesnt want to. Jumping from Are you doing anything on the 3rd? to I need to know if youre coming on the 3rd so I know how many pies to bake! would be really confusing. You're confident and independent, but you still overthink this kind of stuff. *drops a house on MLM guy*, Heh. Maybe you can Google it. So whats the fallout if I tell her I need her help with something, and she refuses without a good reason (because she wants to play Minecraft or listen to a podcast)? #2 is a good point. I prefer living and working in places with a major international contingent for that reason so that different is what is normal. But it can still be frustrating to deal with. So I love this response cuz its keeping it real! Uggggghhhh flashbacks to a previous boything of my own. The joke about (insert joke) cracked me up on your profile. This is a great one because it invites the other person to tell you something that they want to share. But dont try to play us off against each other. The people asking the question are rude and betraying their bigotry. Thank you. - Joseph Addison - Middle age is when you're sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn't for you. Just treating it as a question of not disclosing/being private is entirely the wrong approach. Especially as its usually done over text, which (to me) precludes the idea of it being small talk. Its not a question I like either, some of which is due to manipulative/pushy people angling for my time/energy like in the letter, and some of it is due to feeling like I have to feign excitement or a more interesting life in order to keep the conversation going, which is draining (IDK if this is an introvert vs extrovert thing or like how some people seem to have no trouble filling the conversation or making their lives sound interesting; I am not one of those people). I wouldnt mind your first either, but thats because the few people whod ask me exactly that are close enough for me to answer however Id like. No, just running some errands. We need to have lunch soon. Okay, then invite me, and dont hint for an invitation. Well see you at other times but this ones for us.. And in my experience, parents of adult children dont assign their childrens plans (and wishes) the same priority as their own plans (and wishes). The only tricky part I have encountered so far is if you actually say you are busy doing [thing] and instead have planned to watch the Winter Olympics with your cat, perhaps do not write an update about that to Facebook. We should hang out sometime soon! Is something I expect people to either reply yeah that would be fun or ignore/tell me theyre swamped but wish they could do as a no. Which I guess was appropriately scary for the season? I dont feeling hes hitting on me exactly, though I am not answering in a way he likes/expects (am I supposed to be chatty bc Im young-ish and female? The professor went to the restroom. Should I keep doing what Im doing? After some reflection, my normal version of this (me asking) is You free this weekend? Life is good and I'm happy. what are you doing?. And I try to be easier on myself for not having more exciting weekend plans. So that golden rule requires a bit of pre-invitation sounding-out. So of course, you tell her, youll all walk separately from now on (keep the cheery loud voice of happy certainty and smile hugely the whole time). If a coworker does this several times in a row, I sense they dont want to connect with me on that level and stop asking. If youve never read, The Gift of Fear, the critical point is that niggling things like exactly this are the warnings that can save your life and that there is literally no better metric than that the situation is giving you that reaction, no matter how small or how you try to dismiss it. One of my long-time boundaries is I wont date a guy who cant properly carry out an invitation and follow it through. Answer vaguely. Just how I like it :). 3. I"m not done loving you!" 7) "It's Friday bitches!! Throwing another vote in for a friendly Why? or Why, whats up? Assuming I like them, I usually say it with a smile or an inviting tone. Indeed, I often hear it as an attempt to trap me into doing something. Notice how it starts off with a light compliment. Of course both people will vary from the scripts with personal style and the situation, but that is the general way it can go. I really appreciate that, even though my parents and I had conflict, they never threatened to kick me out if I couldnt pay the rent. You are doing things and going places. If the person you're talking to has seen Doctor Horrible's Sing Along Blog, they'll appreciate the joke. ' If you ' re studying, doing homework or anything else you deem daunting, this is a great text to send your crush. Or else, Id rather people not start a conversation unless they have something specific to say, unless its somebody like my sister who I know well enough to talk about nothing and enjoy it. That's why you should remember these funny responses to "what are you going to do with your life" for the next time the question pops up: If you have no idea what degree you're going to get or where you want to live in the future, pretend that you have something big planned, but don't want to ruin the surprise. and the goal is to just be ok with letting them down when they are the ones who have set an unagreed demand on your time. We teach children that they must answer questions put to them by adults, that they have no choice in the matter. I mean, where are you REALLY from, but whats up is harder, since nothing/dont know tends to elicit a why not? or you should be/do more fun! And I dont know what to say to that, because no just seems rude and I didnt invite them to improve my life. You: Yeah, we should. She asked me if we were doing anything on a certain day and I was like I cant think of what it is right now but we are definitely doing something that day. She then mentioned a big thing that was on in town this week and yes, that was in fact the thing that we were going to, so I was like Yes! See how thats all about you, and your kids, and not at all about her? Basically, I dont think people are trying to be manipulative and I do think youre overthinking this, OP. How are you? COME TO LOOSE PLAN HANGOUT THING THAT IM INVOLVED IN OR ELSE YOU MIGHT SHRIVEL AND DIE! and they had the best intentions. For an acquaintance, depends. I will probably just need some time to unwind, perhaps to watch the Winter Olympics with my cat.. Good luck! Important points about both solutions is a) she gets to participate in the decision and doesnt just get told and b) she makes her own timetable about chores. Cant. Have a Happy . Apologize IMMEDIATELY and never ask me that again!. Jana: I'm good. As a little anecdote my ex-husband and I had just started attending a new ward in his church when a guy our age wed chatted with a few times asked us what we were doing on Halloween. I suspect some of the people who are giving a vaguer yeah to the lets hang out have answered what they thought was an actual suggestion with Saturdays are good for me and gotten um, er, Im kind of busy these days, Ill call you and never hearing back. If I have to treat her like a grownup, and not like my minor child that I can boss around, she can fucking treat ME like a grownup, and not like her mommy that she takes for granted. I've Tried, but No One Listens Hopefully Not as Good as I'll Ever Be If I Was Any Better, Vitamins Would Be Taking Me Okay. Me: Nope. Although I do the opposite: Im ALWAYS busy/have to work, when certain people ask. If I catch myself, before they respond lll clarify what my actual invitation is. This realization is making me like Tuesdays more.) Make up a lease and sign it. I always just say What do you have in mind? It hasnt failed me yet! I usually end up saying something noncommittal like I might be doing xyz, but Im not sure yet why? and waiting to see what the actual deal is. At least Im bright enough to stay out of the control panel and remember my passwords. Them We need to have lunch soon In every group Ive been in it is socially acceptable and expected that you can say youre busy for whatever reason you want. Is it just me? Like, OK, were not people who talk to each other about our lives beyond the weather and traffic, cool. (This one is so trite that it takes a few moments for the humor to sink in.) I can find someone else, so dont worry if youd rather not-Mittens likes you, so I thought of you first, but I know at least two people who have been angling for some alone time with the fountain., Translation: Here are all the ridiculous things I am asking for, and the dubious rewards I can offer in exchange.
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