I asked myself, how can someone with four beautiful children and a stunning wife feel this way? Other have said it, but I need to add my voice Thank you for writing this. Check to enable permanent hiding of message bar and refuse all cookies if you do not opt in. I am a 39yr old female who recently got diagnosed with BPD. I am so happy that you feel it was a help to you, and I appreciate all of the kind things you said. I have absolutely no desire to go since my mother, who is one of my past abusers will be there , and I would rather slit my wrists then be around her because she triggers me CONSTANTLY and seems to enjoy doing so Please help me. I miss you all and us so much. A normal life can be had. a pattern of tumultuous relationships with friends, family and loved ones. It is inspiring and a ray of light to those of us who have a loved one with BPD to remind us that is just an aspect that can be overcommed to let us live in full the beauty of life. So here I sit feeling sorry for my self and a whole lot lost. Whatever. Thankyou, once again, for putting your heart and soul open for us to share.xx. But first I know I need, and I want to get better. My heart breaks every day for them. My wife got me a book back in 2004 called Walking On Egg Shells that has helped me so very much. It's not your fault. I am sorry you didn't have a choice. Maybe we should bandage our heads and hearts. And guess what? , I am so glad that this letter has helped you find some more compassion and understanding for your daughter. Thank you for writing this. I want you to know that despite the poor choices, the exhaustion and what youve seen as laziness, I have loved you through it. I mean, I know that makes me sound selfishand I am a lot more than I used to be. I think you are the first Norwegian to tell me about her BPD blog. People with BPD have various triggers that can set their symptoms in motion. I am having to learn what triggers, when she splits I have currently moved out of my home where she and her boyfriend live, as she had a major melt a month ago. "People with BPD are like people with third degree burns over 90% of their bodies. And it also made me aware of a lot of my behavior that i was never aware of and now i have a better understanding of some of the things i do and why. A trigger is something that sets off in our minds a past traumatic event or causes us to have distressing thoughts. I thought we would be okay, but then something I did angered her. He says that the money we spent on therapy and meds has done nothing to help; he doesn't think it's worth it. I am very glad to hear about the understanding you're experiencing within your family. There were some days I was too depressed to go to school or to study, and there were many times I thought "how can I help others if I'm such a mess?" She struggles with accepting herself and most of all loving herself which in turn hinders her from being healthy both mentally and physically. I would be very pleased to share it with you. I want you to know that despite the poor choices, the exhaustion and what you've seen as laziness, I have loved you through it. Thank you for your heartfelt comment in response to my letter. Just be there for her in the end when she needs you. Just let her know I sent you, and she'll be happy to help you get started. At this point, "there is no escape" from my mind. You are not the cause of our suffering. Erica shares her story of being diagnosed at 18 and opening up about living with BPD. I hope somewhere in her heart she truly KNOWS the love I have for her and though I may never be able to see it returned to me, I everyday press on in my efforts to support her and encourage positive change. Email: bpdfamilyconnections@gmail.com. People will tell you that whatever you did was your fault, and you will believe it, but they dont and cant understand how hard you fought to keep control. Debbiethank you, for having the courage to write and advise about BPD, that I knew nothing of until my daughter of 27 was diagnosed 7 months ago. For her . This blog was extremely helpful for me, and sincerely appreciate it. I am co-dependent, which I regard as simply the other side of the coin. I have learned with time and education on my part that her pain is not my fault and it is not my responsiblity to fix. When I was told what it was, I went home and researched everything I could about it. Punishment And Revenge. I imploded at the thought of those same emotions and endless possibilities all leading you to leave me, to this. When crises occur, family members can help achieve emotional stability by encouraging slow breathing to reduce pressure. I find it so hard to put into words my struggles but you have done it perfectly. This is the most dreaded Dx to come across according to my colleaguesif it was so bad, why would it be my problem? Thanks for writing this. You believe you cant get close to anyone because you will love them so much, and they will inevitably hurt you in one way or another, and you will overreact and do or say something that ensures they decide they cant be around you. I pray that she is able to find a place where you are now. You can find even more stories on our Home page. We need help with how he can support me and she is willing to speak to us about what its like for families of BPD. A person with BPD can act in impulsive and often dangerous ways. We havent outgrown this. Between my parents, family, and middle school, I have enough scarring that just won't heal up right. Your email address will not be published. Open Letter. My own experience with my BPD mother was one in which my father, siblings and I were often blamed for her erratic behavior and unstable feelings. Its that extreme. And now with this kind, loving man by my side I feel comfortableand so he gets the wrath of this chaotic mind. And to help others like you do! Until I got out of all the physc stuff , non groups and started to directly talk or better said listen to those that suffer from BPD I really had no idea. NEA.BPDAust - Family connections. Maybe its the first time you fell in love, or the worst argument you have ever had with someone you love. Main Subjects:Caring for Someone with BPD,Events,Getting Help,Living with BPD,Research,BPD in the Media, Other Subjects: Advocacy, BPD Awareness Week, Couples and Families, Family Connections Course,National BPD Conference, New Member, Sanctuary Meetings, Treatment, Validation, What is BPD. . You are a strong person for working so hard to heal yourself. And I know that my reaction to him is so very. I also see your side and know you must have been through alot with her and you have to protect yourself and your family. Hope can be returned. Remember that your words, love, and support go a long way in helping your loved one to heal, even if the results are not immediately evident. However, when they are presented in a manner as if the struggle somehow evaporates at the end is not logical, because life is never so linear. They are conditioned to see the behavior as normal and often times they are terrorized by the behavior. Thank you. Debbie,I just LOVE LOVE LOVE your honesty and compassion. If you do not want that we track your visit to our site you can disable tracking in your browser here: We also use different external services like Google Webfonts, Google Maps, and external Video providers. If you have decided to tap into your strength and stand by your loved one with BPD, you probably need support too. I got itchy, restless, looking for distractions to avoid looking at myself, my escalating issues, facing the things I didnt understand and trying to fill the void when you werent there. I am sorry I was selfish. Maybe Debbie wants to add the Ducht version at her list of translations on her website? One must only have 5 symptoms out of 9 to qualify for a diagnosis, and the combinations of those 5-9 are seemingly endless. Click to enable/disable _gid - Google Analytics Cookie. This letter might help on the explaining part, but the latter? I can only hope with every breath in my body that she can be 'cured' and live a normal and happy life. In my experience, one of the most effective ways of doing this is to find someone who as gone through the DBT treatment to share some of their experiences with potential or new clients. Linda, thank you for taking the time to share these thoughts, as they will no doubt help others who read this post and scroll down to see your comment. Shows that YES there is hope and not only have you found it but, you have it held tightly in your grasp!! I am the 30 year old sister with BPD. I'm hoping it will help myself and also my husband out. It appears you entered an invalid email. I have struggled with relationships. I have been reading many different sites and randomly came to your blog tonight. It was only ever a matter of time and what scared me the most was the thought that youd find someone who would treat you better, who wasnt so weighed down. I need frequent reminders of this, because if I dont it feels like I will lose faith in humanity completely, and that will shatter every belief I have ever held dear. By sharing your experience, you can let others know that they are not alone. My fiance has BPD. I am a mess. Many times I wanted to give up but he is crying out loud inside that I cannot afford to leave him like that. Everyone is that way for different reasons so how do you know if you deserve for example to write a letter like this to give people around you so they can "understand" and not feel so bad about the whole situation. I want to know that honesty and loyalty exist. You are a source of admiration, thanks for your courage and generous words. This is an open letter to anyone willing and/or needing to listen. my life is in shamblesi without her, im just ad much a mess worrying about her, who shes with today tomorrow.. This site uses cookies to give you the best, most relevant experience. One must only have 5 symptoms out of 9 to qualify for a diagnosis, and the combinations of those 5-9 are seemingly endless. Instead, despite how I dread to say this, I am an outlet for her fears, insecurities and blame. Paranoia or emotional detachment. Unfortunately, a few years later, the societal stigma against mental illness reared its ugly head. Once calm, the family can together have an open discussion and achieve setting small goals for the person with BPD. It can be really difficult to know how to cope when someone has emotion dysregulation issues and is incredibly emotionally sensitive. I am sorry for blaming you. Don't expect me to ever open up to you again." How is this possible? Debbie. Please trust that, with professional help, and despite what you may have heard or come to believe, we CAN and DO get better. My belief in it is fading. Please trust that, with professional help, and despite what you may have heard or come to believe, we CAN and DO get better. The mind is very complex. The stigma. If only we all got it laid out like this. I've learned how to focus on the important things and how to handle my emotions. This is called dissociation. Children are malleable, they are clay being shaped by their parents and by their experiences. There, youll also find thoughts and questions by our community. BPD Community Victoria. Not someone with questionable actions in their past. He wanted to change so bad I can see the frustration in his eyes each time he hurt people with his words. I would be a misserable person with no goals. I have beeen through 3 years of DBT therapy and figuring out who i am and how i came to have this horrible disorder. Tonight tho as she is in the psych ward I feel as tho my world is crashing down around me. Debbie, Hi Anne thank you for commenting. Live life to the fullest. Your lack of emotional control leads you to damage your relationships, leading people to walk away from it, which exacerbates the abandonment issues that are a part of your disorder. I'n sending a hug to you . I've been doing gratefulness journals since 2000. My ex is a very convincing and extremely intelligent person. I am sorry for giving you a false perception of reality. Dr. Marsha Linehan, founder of DBT, likens us to 3rd degree emotional burn victims. Debbie now teaches the DBT skills that helped change her life over at. Win a copy of my new book, Stronger Than BPD! I love them so much but I am so lost. My significant other felt the same way as yours that therapy was a waste of time and money, until I finally showed progress and began getting better through DBT. I haven't spoken to him for a week., and he hasn't contacted me. As a result, people with BPD frequently experience emotional invalidation that is, others react to their emotions as if those emotions are not valid or reasonable. It lays out the facts while giving room for the Non in the person with BPD's life options. Borderlines do not know how to cope with intimacy - it leaves them feeling engulfed. Debbie. low self-esteem. Why is it that my therapists tell me that BPD is a useless diagnosis that doesn't do anyone any good, yet I fall into nearly every criteria for the disorder and have since I was a teenager? The more I read about BPD, the more I have a hunch that the girl I'm in an LDR with has been living with this or at least a similar pattern dissociation. I am on the edge. If you want to talk to someone who can help you get connected with services and support, please contact Amanda Smith of Hope for BPD at: (941) 704-4328. Mahari, a Canadian woman and Life Coach now 52 years old, who recovered from Borderline Personality Disorder 14 years ago writes an open letter to all who have been, as she was at the age of 19, diagnosed with BPD. I have BPD but don't currently have any medical insurance to be treated. I am sorry you were scared. My girlfriend has BPD, and I've been at my wits' end, not knowing how to deal with it. very extreme that the relationship is badly skewed, and shouldn't go on. We use cookies to let us know when you visit our websites, how you interact with us, to enrich your user experience, and to customize your relationship with our website. This letter really hits hard. I wish she would recognise her need to make changes with help. Additionally, the structured environment and clear communication skills required in event planning can help individuals with BPD manage their emotions and improve their interpersonal skills. I figured it out, but only through trial, error, therapy, a good online support group and a lot of introspection and self-care on my part. We all receive different care and information from professionals and those around us, information has never been so easily accessible. It's like you're a baby learning everything all over again. This was very well thought out and appreciated. Initially I thought we just fell out of love and she was unable to deal with that reality (like maybe she needed a larger reason like alcoholism or abuse rather than just drifting apart). Madeline Richardson. Debbie, Thank you so much for your comment. Thank you again. We were always extremely close, until she got involved in a highly stressful abusive relationship. I don't know what to do anymore. Thank you, and best wishes for the future. Armon, what a kind, loving husband you are. . I just completed my first year, and everything wasn't as perfect as I hoped it would be. It's nice to hear this from a BPD perspective. We fully respect if you want to refuse cookies but to avoid asking you again and again kindly allow us to store a cookie for that. (BPD & The Internet), The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Wellness Planner by Amanda Smith, LMSW, Remind yourself that the persons behavior isnt your fault, Tap into your compassion for the persons suffering while understanding that their behavior is probably an intense reaction to that suffering. ~ Dave M. Also, during those long recovery periods, she will fixate on a distorted, misremembered and misquoted version of something I'd said during the fight, always distorted to be much harsher than what I actually said, and sometimes completely "fabricated" with no basis in anything I said. We are highly emotionally sensitive and have extreme difficulty regulating/modulating our emotions. In Borderline Personality Disorder, many of us experience identity disturbance issues. If you have BPD, you may have had work experiences that upset you, the people who worked with you, or both. Please be aware that this might heavily reduce the functionality and appearance of our site. It will be a long road, but she will need the support of her family. 4. It's hard. A lover, a friend, a parent or sibling, and a coworker all have the privilege of having a frame of reference to place the borderline in. I myself work in the mental health field and see her mental health declining. I did drink, but it always leads me to dangerous places. People with BPD traits often have "object permanence" issues - "out of sight is out of mind". wow. Now go for it!! Would you mind if I reposted it on my blog (beautyandtheborderline.wordpress.com)? 7. She has a 12 month lease but says she may come back sooner if go into rehab for her ( I am working on my issues with a therapist). Well I better get off this pitty pottyMy Daughter just called and she is Barking also. Thank you so much for your comment. These cookies collect information that is used either in aggregate form to help us understand how our website is being used or how effective our marketing campaigns are, or to help us customize our website and application for you in order to enhance your experience. Not someone like me. I NEVER RELAX. I was so considerate and walked over again and again. BPD is also sometimes known as 'emotionally unstable personality disorder', but even that label feels somewhat prejudiced to me. Debbie, Hi Andrea you are very welcome. The letter and all the post did help me a little tonight tho. I hope we can be friends in time and partners in raising our son. I was 16. I read your letter Debbie and most of the post. That is wonderful. She has latched onto a fiction that I was mentally abusive towards her and refuses to co-parent in the interest of our son. I made it though, and I now know that I have so much to offer to my future clients because of my own experience with mental illnesses. I did get committed here. Normal and happy life found it but, you may have had experiences! Tell me about her, who shes with today tomorrow read your letter debbie and most of coin! Mentally and physically help myself and also my husband out relevant experience a very convincing and extremely intelligent.... You found it but, you probably need support too other have said it, the. Skills that helped change her life over at refuses to co-parent in the person with BPD myself work the., not knowing how to cope with intimacy - it leaves them feeling.. Been reading many different sites and randomly came to your blog tonight sister with BPD have various that! I mean, i am and how to cope when someone has emotion dysregulation and! 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